Divine English Pictographs Unveiled!

This post will change your life, and change the way you look at everything and everyone around you. But it will be easy! So chillax and read.

This morning, I had a cup of coffee, pet the dog, and chatted with my wife. If you properly want to understand these figures in my life, you have to attend to the pictographs from which these words derive.

The c in coffee is derived from the Semitic alphabetic character gimel. Now, the gimel is a pictograph of a throwing stick. The o comes from Semitic ayin, which represents an eye. The f is derived from the waw, a hook or a nail. Finally, the e comes from Semitic he, whose pictograph represents some dude waving his arms (“hey!”). Put them together, and you see that “coffee” means “better than a stick in the eye, on which I am totally hooked, and which makes me say Hey, Hey!”

I pause for you to collect yourself.

As for my dog: The d comes from dalet, which represents a door (or a fish, but anyone can see that my dog is not a fish, even though Hebrew dag means “fish”; stay with me here). Then there’s that o from ayin (eye) again. And g, like c, comes from gimel (stick). That is, my dog keeps an eye on the door, for which service I throw him a stick.

Finally, my wife: The i is from Semitic yod (hand, or forearm). Both the w and the f come from that waw (nail, or hook, but my wife is not a hooker, so nail, please). Recall that the e is from he (hey!). So, my wife is the one with two nails in the forearm ZOMG!! MY WIFE IS JESUS!! Which totally makes me say, “Hey!”

It should be clear to you by now that an understanding of the deeper meaning of our English characters opens a window on the plans that God has for our relationships with one another and with our coffee. And that…

What? You say that language ≠ script, that the former precedes the latter, and that no speakers of English ever sat around and said, “So what shall we call this stuff over here? I don’t know, but it’s like a stick in the eye so let’s be sure to use c and o?”

I guess somebody should tell that to all those frauds who teach Hebrew like this guy does (“It’s easy! And happens to support the patriarchy!”):

4 Responses

  1. Wow. I’m speechless…

  2. Dear Brooke,

    I had to click on every one of those; it was like watching a car wreck, and I couldn’t turn away. Please make it stop. Why would you do that to people who are supposed to be your friends? 😉

    Sadly, many theology students would probably be happier with these Hebrew teachers than with the ones who know what they’re talking about.


    p.s. I got the impression those might be the only Hebrew words they know.

  3. Isn’t the pictograph for nun a snake? I was wondering how he was going to derive anything to do with “faithfulness” from “mommy-snake.”

    Unfortunately, there’s an entire “lexicon” devoted to this, umm, method of analysis. Even more unfortunate, it’s the fourth result when you search for “Hebrew lexicon” on Amazon.

    • Hi, Blake. Yeesh, you made me look. Must be that Benner item, eh? If nothing else, it stands as a monument to the unreliability of Amazon’s customer rating stars: four out of five!

      I had wondered if the guy in the video was going to do a snake/Satan thing with the nun in “amen.” You see, when we men realize that we can blame sin on our mother (ʾm) and the snake (n), then we can all utter a hearty “amen!”

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